Gees! What a ride!

No goodbye…

In my teens around 13, I made the gut wrenching decision to move out.

I was done, done feeling bad for everything, being controlled, manipulated, bullied, hurt, embarrassed and humiliated.

But I was also so very afraid…. Afraid of what would happen to my younger sister that remained, my cat, dogs and of course Rainfall.

I continued to bike ride out to rainfall as much as I could, sometimes with gear in the front of the bike, sometimes with just a carrot (most of which I ate on the way, but I digress lol). I continued to ride her, care for her and love her. Sometimes I could get a ride out, sometimes not. But undeterred, I continued to go to her as much as I could, almost every day. I was hopeful that dad would hand over the “reins” so to speak. He dropped off my cat, I was so happy!!!! And I was hopeful my dog and horse would soon follow…

Alas, that was not the case…. I remember the phone call that completely broke my heart so clearly.

“Your horse has been sold and they are loading her on their truck”

I immediately pleaded for her, begged, cried to no avail, then rushed out to try to see her one last time, panicked and with pain roaring through my young mind. I’m weeping writing this, it still hurts so badly…. I arrived at the pony club to see her back legs enter the unknown truck, they pushed the ramp up….

She was gone. I didn’t know who, I didn’t know where and I couldn’t do anything to stop it happening…. I don’t ever remember anything more vividly…. I remember she had boots on (not mine) and a cover (also not mine), I remember the day was dark and overcast (or maybe that’s just how I felt) the awful day I lost my best friend. I also remember the grief, complete and utter brokenness.

To add to the pain, No one understood – she was just a horse right? Get another one….

So I hid the hurt, pain and grief…. Sucked it all up and stored it away….

I am not sure if I could stand losing someone or something else I loved that much…. So I didn’t, I built a wall – I relied on no one…..

Dad sold her for $6,000.00…. back then it was like a billion dollars, so I had no chance of getting her back. He bought me a pair of jeans. What for? Breaking my heart? All my work? The money I had spent on her? What was the thought that guided him to that decision?…. I hated them. The jeans were a reminder of how little he knew about me and the pain that was caused.

I wanted “my horse”, my friend. I wanted him to not break my heart or hurt me, but he did, over and over again. Sadly, Rainfall was never truly mine. Money was always more important to dad.

My dog disappeared too, not sure where, when or how…. One thing dad did, was go through with his threats…. No care about anyone else’s feelings, they didn’t exist, he was the victim, it was everyone else’s fault…. I guess that made him feel better about what he did….

Would I do it all again? Probably not tbh….