Part 2 – external boundaries

Learning to Say No

How do you set boundaries with others when you don’t have the courage to say no?

Yes, courage.

I used to watch people say no to working extra hours, no to helping others, or simply no to things they didn’t want to do. It was fascinating to me.

For some people, saying no comes naturally. But when you’ve spent years being punished, criticised, or made to feel guilty for not complying, saying no becomes something to fear.

I admired those people who could simply say, “I’m too busy,” or even give no explanation at all. I would think, How do they do that?

It wasn’t until I became unwell that I realised saying no isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. It is a skill, and one I could no longer avoid learning.

Even thinking about saying no would trigger an immediate physical response. My heart would race, my mind would overload, and if I did manage to say no, I would spend hours replaying the conversation, worrying if the other person would be upset or wondering what the consequences would be, still does.

Then illness changed everything.

No became my default because it had to. Physically, I couldn’t keep saying yes. I could no longer hide how unwell I was, and I had no choice but to put limits in place.

Being vulnerable about my illness wasn’t easy. I felt useless, weak, sad, and defeated. I recognised the disbelief in people’s reactions and without knowing what is wrong with me, I couldn’t blame them – I had/have no idea either.

But slowly I realised something important.

Putting my health and wellbeing first wasn’t selfish anymore—it was essential.

Like any new habit, setting boundaries takes practice. Start by scheduling time for yourself and protect it. Don’t cancel it because someone else wants your time. You are important too.

In fact, you’re the one person you should never neglect.

Because without your health, what do you really have?

Learning to say no didn’t make me a different person. It simply taught me that I matter too.