Gees! What a ride!

Part 1 – internal boundaries

Prior to my latest injury, I was high functioning. Worked 3 jobs and owned my own small business.

I was most relaxed doing something (active relaxer).

My head injuries have caused me to stop, due to pain, balance, vision issues, nausea, exhaustion etc…. This was a very difficult part of my journey, because, in my mind, I had to be useful, had to do something actively – to feel “valuable” to the world.

My grandfather always said, “if you want to make someone feel useless, give them nothing to do.”

This was a massive internal struggle for me, my body was no longer able to do the things I needed to do to feel “of value”. I wasn’t getting better and I couldn’t envision what my future looked like now

Do I even have a future?

I changed jobs, pushed through my symptoms using medication, corrective glasses, ignoring the fatigue, and further pain I was experiencing. With the belief that, I would only get better, it couldn’t get worse right? WRONG!!!!

Omg so wrong. After 3 years of pushing myself to breaking point, My symptoms increased, I had to use more medication, or it didn’t work, I had new symptoms including a head tick that increases with light changes, anxiety or cognitive strain!!!! WTAF

After 5 and a half years, my body and my head had enough. I would experience brain freeze, cognitive function was worse than ever, emotions took over, my memory was almost non existent, it was scary and I was very symptomatic, to the point I couldn’t get out of bed some days.

This caused more self isolation, I was spiraling, I couldn’t help myself anymore, medication wasn’t working and I did not understand anything that was happening to me?

It honestly felt as though I had been hit in the head again and this time it was so much worse!

Managing symptoms by resting all the time, made my internal need to “do more” make me feel more worthless, more sad, more scared for my future etc….

It’s a vicious and scary cycle.

Anxiety, which I didn’t have prior the accident went bananas! I would get the feeling of anxiety and anguish for no reason, it would just turn up unexpectedly and randomly. My body was out of control and I was unable to understand why?

You can imagine the feeling of being scared, adrenaline running through your body, your heart racing many times during the day, for absolutely no reason – was completely and utterly exhausting.

Then the unexplained sadness? Waves of sadness would hit me, just for a few moments – massive wave of sadness? What was that?

At other times I felt nothing, I was either very emotional or emotionless!

So I decided to give in to everything, if I had to rest – I did, if I have to isolate – I do, I say no to anything social at the moment – I don’t have that energy.

While I experience high symptoms I set my own boundaries and stick to them, I don’t believe this is forever, but it is my way of allowing healing, for now anyway. Accepting this for myself atm, has been a great benefit to my health.