Gees! What a ride!

One of the earliest memories I have, is of my mum and dad arguing, we were all outside in the dark and the screaming was so scary. I’m not sure how old I was but I remember looking upward and being small, scared and worried.

When my mum and dad divorced, we unknowingly entered into a world of blackmail, manipulation, verbal and physical abuse. We were brainwashed against the other parent, given animals to “make us stay” and then threatened, if we left, we would never see that parent or the animals again. For a child, that’s too much to think about!

We were on family benefits, poor, made to feel less than and tried to get out of the house whenever and wherever we could!

I started to work part time at 8-9 after school, cutting up cardboard boxes. To get out of the house and to gather money, to be spent on my animals.

Animals were and are a huge comfort to me, an escape, a way to feel love, to feel safe and to believe that I was loved too.

This has stuck with me throughout my life. Animals are still my safe space.

I lived with and stayed, because my sisters were there and I wanted to be with them, no matter the consequences.

I kept quiet, I learnt that if I was being screamed at, the “hiding” was soon to follow. I learned to not cry. It didn’t hurt anymore. Or so I thought.

My imagination became stronger and I started to draw, this took my mind off anything that had happened, it was my escape from the world.

I would cry alone, into my horses mane, if I cried around anyone “i would get something to cry about”.

I find it interesting that animals and art, are still helping me to escape years later.

Mental abuse was constant, It was normal to be “humiliated and ashamed”.

It’s sad to look back at the tiny girl I was and I felt I had to stay with my sisters and animals-no matter what, otherwise, where would they go? Would I ever see them again?

I became self reliant, found out quickly that I couldn’t rely on anyone (except my sisters), never asked for help, lent on my animals for relief and learnt to keep quiet.

I am guessing this is where the abandonment fear and fear of connection to others came from…. More on that later…..