Gees! What a ride!

When I speak of “the hurt”, this is in reference to the physical and mental abuse inflicted on me at a very young age for many many years. I use this phrase often, I believe I do this, because I would like to distance myself from those feelings and experiences, as much as possible.

The hurt or mamae in Te Reo, feels softer, kinder and expresses better, the emotions without the use of such a cold and clinical term.

It encompasses more than just abuse, but the way it all came together to shape my beliefs, my understanding and the way in which I coped with all of it through out the years that followed.

The hurt that I felt as a child, changed me, but for many years I thought, it was for the better and in some ways it was.

I believed that it made me more empathetic to others and drove me to help those that needed anything from me, at anytime.

But now in my 40s I am more equipped to understand the actual psychological damage that comes with being in that environment.

The reality is, it stopped me from caring about me. My needs and wants were of no importance, If I wasn’t helping others or checking in, making someone feel better, gifting things – my internal belief was, that I was of no value.

I required validation from others, to feel good about me. I felt like I walked on eggshells, if someone was “watching” me, I couldn’t make a mistake, not even a tiny one (it felt like my life depended on that sometimes), even if it didn’t.

I had to work harder, faster and push myself more than others.

I never believed deep down that I was enough – just as I am.

I found it extremely difficult to be in a space, quietly with others and just be ok with that. I always felt the need to make people laugh, fill in the awkward silences (still do), make others feel comfortable, putting their emotional and physical needs above my own (no matter what).

Over time and because of my injuries (both physical and mental), I have been forced to allow myself the space, quiet, time and grace to grieve, accept and start to heal. To look after me.

Understanding all of that, came with another huge cost.

The hurt came again by losing friendships during that time, “friends” that required more energy from me than I had to give, the ones who needed more from me, when I had nothing. They dropped off – I was heart broken, felt alone, worthless and abandoned.

I also felt angry, used, stupid and very sad.

Standing tall in my space – I have never, would never, could never! Eeekkkkk…. But I am trying…. This is very hard for me to do, but I am hopeful that with more healing – will come more strength, courage and self belief. I don’t feel like I have anything to lose now tbh, so why not?

When I was a child, physical discipline was normal, but what we suffered, was not a tap…. It was much worse.

However, I learnt quickly no one would help me or could help me, just be quiet, do what you are told and never ever complain or express myself.

If I was vulnerable, would they care? or would they believe me? What if they told my dad? Would I get hurt again?

I started to become very aware of body language and non verbal signs that warned me of “danger”. Reading people’s faces and seeing the disbelief – caused more hurt.

When you have no safe outlet, it stays trapped inside you – your body holds it, all the emotional and physical pain…. your body remembers and stores it in places such as your back, neck, puku (belly).

I will speak about that more in the following posts, when I go into what is now helping me to find some peace….